Ode to a Sneeze

Jan Marshall

Resident Jan Marshall is a Humorologist, award-winning author, and humor columnist for adults and aspirational books for children. 

By Jan Marshall

The dangerous flu may be here again. Bathe in Purell®. Do not kiss anyone except Tonto wearing a mask. Wear fashionable gloves daily. Unless you are on your honeymoon and staying in your room 24-7, postpone hugging.

Every precaution must be taken to avoid another dangerous virus, I do however; encourage you to catch a cold. Yes friends.. It simply benefits your body which is crying out for love.

Rarely do men cry. Sure when they lose at golf or the dining room runs out of cake, but not generally. Too bad.

The truth is a cold gives one an opportunity to revert to a childish state; to be pampered and cared for. It permits the strongest people to let go without losing face so to speak though there was a rumor a nose was found in the gym but that may just be hearsay.

Factoids: Documented medical examples found in my drawers.

        One board member literally strikes fear wherever he journeys; a tyrant and huge trouble maker. Yet when he is in his unit with a bad cold he sucks his thumb and calls his wife “mommy.”

        An actress neighbor who played the warden in prison films, permits her mate 24 hours to be sick; prepares Chicken Soup, allows him to moan “I’m dying” every hour while rocking him in her mattress size arms. The next day she pushes him out the door. This keeps him functioning for the rest of the year. He is often seen without a jacket on wintry days, stepping in puddles. with a wet head stuck out an open window.

HISTORICAL FACT: Why some battles are called “Cold Wars” is because the need for love was thwarted. If opposing sides stay home, get some cuddling… really, who feels like fighting with a runny nose?

MY ADVICE: If someone sneezes, don’t just say “Gesundheit”. Understand this person craves compassion. Be gentle but no kissing. Unless you yourself feel needy then yes, place a lip-lock.

RX: When you do catch a cold get into a cuddly bed and collapse. Drink liquids or not. It doesn’t matter if you drink liquids or not and stand on your head singing the theme from “Frozen”. Your cold will last two to seven days or as long as you need it.  That’s it.

Call me in the morning.

Leave your insurance information and a coupon for Kleenex.


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