Commercially Speaking

Jan Marshall

“Lightening Up With Jan”

Resident Jan Marshall is a Humorologist, award-winning author, and humor columnist for adults and aspirational books for children.

By Jan Marshall

While watching television commercials I noticed a trend of “cautions.” 

For instance, the possible side effects of most medical products seem worse than any illness one can experience.

After viewing several episodes of Chicago Med and once seeing the actor playing Dr. Kildare at a gas station when fuel was 32 cents a gallon I am obviously qualified to advise you of the possible consequences of ingesting certain remedies. 

From my notes:

* This vitamin supplement may causing severe sweating and your partner may demand you be hosed down before entering the Heritage Pointe lobby while being accompanied by a Hazmat crew.

* Drinking pure almond milk may cause hate mail from cows.

* Be aware of dry mouth from this distilled water.

* Ladies may experience a one-and-a-half inch of chin hair growth after using this hormone-infused moisturizer.

* Some people using these eye drops have felt a desire to wink at the Amazon delivery guy.

* This prescription may cause a compulsion to sort your socks every day before sundown. In severe cases, it creates an urge to buy a llama compound.

* Check with your health care provider as this drug could bring forth one’s latent skullduggery with an urge to dress in pirate attire on bagel, lox and cream cheese day.

*If taking this pill, avoid drinking grapefruit and vodka before 6 a.m.

*Warning! This product may cause dribbling at social events.

My RX for residents— turn off your TV.

Oh wait…one more thing.

After watching all the Medical shows and reruns as well consistently, I feel more than qualified to make the following offer. 

I will remove your gallbladder at my regular fee and add…as a special bonus for Heritage Pointe residents only, to remove one of your neighbor’s gallbladder (must be on the same floor) for free.
This deal not available on Shabbos!