ENGLISH Muffins vs Bagels

New resident Jan Marshall is a Humorologist, award-winning author, and humor columnist for adults and aspirational books for children. 

Jan Marshall

ENGLISH Muffins vs Bagels

by Jan Marshall

When the dear lovely Princess Kate revealed the sad reason for her absence because of her “C” diagnosis- been there done that- it was heartbreaking knowing that this disease can impact anyone no matter one’s standing in the world.

I may or may not have imagined this. I was asked if I would consider stepping in for her because of my own royal background. Yes, friends, it is quite obvious since I’d been called a Jewish American Princess when that one time in my whole life right after I had my hair done, I was reluctant to make love or do the dishes.

So possibly I’ve been born to the cloth like fine gaberdine.
Though frankly, I doubt I will be moving to the UK at this time.
Instead, I will always be here in Heritage Pointe celebrating Purim,  Hanukkah and St. Patrick’s day for the Corned Beef.
To be clear, I certainly would not become the next Prime Minister of England if ever asked.
I am not conservative anyway, more of a progressively wild and crazy granny.
I remember when a past Prime Minister named Truss only lasted a month and I think I was asked if I’d ever want to take her place- turns out it was a sarcastic relative who asked me—since my name was not Truss. Perhaps The Honorable Prime Minister Truss resigned because her name—Truss which is a term for hernia support, could be the reason. Did she quit after all that late night comic’s teasing?
My name Marshall has a stronger more “sheriff” or “leader” connotation, evidently so I wouldn’t be surprised to be nominated.
I would simply consider it mind you and not commit to taking the position. And the fact that the request came from my own family assuring me if worse came to worse, I could always continue to nag them by text from London had me wondering…

I doubt I would to go…
I couldn’t bring my scale with the bullet holes as it possibly could cause an interrogation by the airport police.
I would only move to England if I was permitted to bring my hair stylist Ms. Clairol because we share a secret.
I am truly relieved to be staying in Heritage Pointe because of the language challenge issues over there in Britain.
I have never understood their English as I was born in the land of Brooklyn and the Brits haven’t a clue to my request when I’ve asked for a cuppa cawfee with bagel, cream cheese and lox.
And imagine a Granny, ordering breakfast and saying “Bring me Bangers” .  Uh Uh!
That is so vulgar I’d have to wash my mouth out with a 5 pound bag of Cadbury Chocolates.
I am stayin here…
I prefer M & M’s and Snicker Bars anyway

Heartfelt prayers to Princess Kate and all our own princes and princesses.

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