Chestnuts and Betrayal

Jan Marshall

“Lightening Up With Jan”

Resident Jan Marshall is a Humorologist, award-winning author, and humor columnist for adults and aspirational books for children.

By Jan Marshall and Other Disgruntled Competitive Eaters 

 What is the world coming to when someone who inspires nausea every July,  makes a deal possibly not to consume nitrates and tasty x&y%# , choosing instead products that are green, healthy and also consumed and sat on by other animals on the planet? He will be a pitchman for a vegan company.

 The big scandal is that the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs company thinks it is a “betrayal” of the worst kind. I personally can’t think of a more appalling crime can you, than to sign with a company that makes vegan hot dogs with a name called “Impossible Foods” yet.

 I am from Brooklyn originally and lived in Coney Island as a youngster.  Sometimes while strolling on the boardwalk I stopped at a place called Nathan’s. I had a hot dog and must admit it was so far back in history no one knew it could be unhealthy. It was simply delicious with sauerkraut, crispy French Fries and an icy root beer drink.

Sometimes a cute boy paid for it because I was a young kid back in those days before wrinkles became fashionable. 

 I myself am a competitive eater… in my Heritage Pointe unit— Each day I am Fressen vi a chazzerer translated from the French-(Eating like a pig). Hmm..I  wonder if that word is allowed here.

 Mind you,  I have never won a prize for consuming lots of junk food in a short time preferring to spread it out all day long and some nights as well never thinking I deserved a trophy.

On the other hand, I have a truly smart talking Fridge that begs me to stop opening the door  every 20 minutes and get myself to a Weight Watcher’s meeting!

That is better than an award.

 I am so lucky.

 About Joey Chestnut: What is wrong with that guy? 

He said he trains to defend his title. 

What could that be?

 Eating whole Tom turkeys with stuffing all day every meal each day of the week a month before?

 GETTING TO THE DASTARDLY CRIME…Nathan’s corporate guy says that is a betrayal of the worst betrayal in all of the “stuff your face till explosion beyond comprehension”.

 Chestnut’s representative said “Yes! But Joey has been called the Michael Jordan of competitive” eating.

 Nathan’s guy replied, “But imagine if Michaels Jordan said” “I love being the face of Nike but I want to do commercials for Adidas too…or wedgies.”

 That is a good point.

 I am so conflicted about this. I am not sure.

 What do you think?

 While I await your reply, I believe I still have a Hebrew National Hot Dog left in the freezer if I can sneak it by that Amana yenta.  

As the well known ancient scholars wrote,

“If it’s called Hebrew National it is blessed and healthier than Nathan’s or any Impossible plant food meshugass-(Norwegian for crazy stuff) because We answer to a higher authority!